Wow. It is almost a year since I last wrote on my Blog. Not sure why really. I think of it but then life goes by and another month goes past.
2011 was not a good year. My Nephew Kyle died in a Car Accident in August. he was 19 yrs old. The whole situation felt like a nightmare. Still does. My job changed for the worse. Only three of us are left in what was once The Document Center. They laid everyone else off and we are being moved into a smaller space. The Contract ends in June 2012. They claim that we are fine and they will keep it going, but my ex told me she loved me the night before she left me. So it means nothing to me.
My Sister divorced Ted and has pushed herself away from the family. If you do not see ted as an abuser then she does not want anything to do with you. I never saw ted that way, was never told in the 23 years they were together that he had done anything. All I see is that Tracy treats the kids like friends and lets them do and get away with anything. Kyle wanted Cigs and Booze, She bought them for him. Alex didn't want to sit with the famil and just wanted to stare at the computer all day, Tracy let him do it. Ted disiplined the kids as they should have been. If Tracy sees that as abuse then that is sad. She has a warped sense of the past as well as the truth.
Joyce and I still talk almost every day. I saw her 3 times this past year, the last being in October. She is my best friend and gets me like no other. She calms me down, she makes me feel like I am better then I really am. She makes me feel brave. I love her with all my heart.
What does 2012 have in store for all of us? Who knows.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Friday, December 17, 2010
Christmas 2010
Wow. Another year. Sitting here listening to christmas music, trying to be happy. I want to so badly. I crave for the magic this holiday gave me back when we first celebrated. But I am finding it harder to find.
This year I am still alone. Still no girlfriend/wife. I wake up alone and go to bed alone. It hurts more and more as time goes by. I tried the online dating thing. No one wrote me. I wrote to a few, Got just one reply..No make that two. One did reply and say I sounded like a nice guy but she was not interested. The other actually made a few dates with me. I say made because she also kept cancelling them. We talked on the phone a few times but after a few calls we ran out of things to say. She hasn't called me back and I have no desire to call her.
Joyce..Wonderful Joyce in Virginia is my best friend, But sadly that is it. I do love her, I do want to go visit her again. But as far as me moving there and being with her. I tried. But no luck. Wrote about a transfer in my company. Nothing. I can't just get up and leave. That would be insane. So we talk regularly, drive each other nuts daily. The distance is taking its toll. We both can sense it but neither one of us wants to be the first to mention it. We are friends and I never want to lose her. Ever. Then their is Kelly. Oh Kelly. She is something. We talk like we have no secrets. We hug like we never want to let go. But she has a boyfriend and I know she would never leave him for me. I am the friend. The fall back guy.
My job was supposed to be a short respite after getting laid off, but going on 14 years into it I guess I'm stuck. Where I am now just laid off two people because lack of work (One being Kelly) Talk is that in a year and a half the contract will not be renewed, which means another move. God how I hate change. It does do me wonders though when it is forced. I left the law firm and ended up having my horizens expanded. I guess the same will be true when this ends. Part of me still says to move to virginia with Joyce. I love the area. Perhaps something will become of Joyce and I. But are those just words because I am so very tired of being alone?
Oh well. Christmas is here. I will enjoy it the best I can.
This year I am still alone. Still no girlfriend/wife. I wake up alone and go to bed alone. It hurts more and more as time goes by. I tried the online dating thing. No one wrote me. I wrote to a few, Got just one reply..No make that two. One did reply and say I sounded like a nice guy but she was not interested. The other actually made a few dates with me. I say made because she also kept cancelling them. We talked on the phone a few times but after a few calls we ran out of things to say. She hasn't called me back and I have no desire to call her.
Joyce..Wonderful Joyce in Virginia is my best friend, But sadly that is it. I do love her, I do want to go visit her again. But as far as me moving there and being with her. I tried. But no luck. Wrote about a transfer in my company. Nothing. I can't just get up and leave. That would be insane. So we talk regularly, drive each other nuts daily. The distance is taking its toll. We both can sense it but neither one of us wants to be the first to mention it. We are friends and I never want to lose her. Ever. Then their is Kelly. Oh Kelly. She is something. We talk like we have no secrets. We hug like we never want to let go. But she has a boyfriend and I know she would never leave him for me. I am the friend. The fall back guy.
My job was supposed to be a short respite after getting laid off, but going on 14 years into it I guess I'm stuck. Where I am now just laid off two people because lack of work (One being Kelly) Talk is that in a year and a half the contract will not be renewed, which means another move. God how I hate change. It does do me wonders though when it is forced. I left the law firm and ended up having my horizens expanded. I guess the same will be true when this ends. Part of me still says to move to virginia with Joyce. I love the area. Perhaps something will become of Joyce and I. But are those just words because I am so very tired of being alone?
Oh well. Christmas is here. I will enjoy it the best I can.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
The Gift
We go along this crazy thing called life, meeting people and losing people along the way. Some of these people were friends or lovers or someone you wanted to be lovers with. Others were people that caused you stress and hurt you in some way. Be it a broken heart or causing you to question your self worth. All of these people were put in your life for a reason. I truly believe that the people you meet were meant to be. Our lives really are a stage in which we are merely players.
I know people who seem to run into someone from their past all the time. I never do, or if i do I don't realize it. Joining facebook changed that. I was befriended by people I went to school with, people who I never thought even looked at me twice. One Of the people who befriended me is Deb. I knew her slightly in school but we were never friends. She wrote me that she had noticed me. She said that I was shy and quite. that everyone like me but I just never found the courage to find out. She is now someone who I turn to. She vanished from facebook for awhile. But we talked on the phone last night for over an hour and it was wonderful. Jane is another one from School. We shared a peer counseling class together and grew to have a friendship out of it. She signed my yearbook and when we met up on facebook she yelled at me because she had given me her phone number and I never called her. I just figured that she was being polite but never meant for me to actually call her.
Just recently my old friend Kay came back into my life. A woman who meant so much to me so long ago. I always wished for her to come back on my stage, but I was stunned when she did. Their are a few people who I wish would come back. One is Julie Dunnick. We went to Morse School together and she was very important to me. We would spend hours doing homework together, going shopping together. Once she walked into a glass door and we laughed so hard we ended up in each other's arms rolling on the ground. After graduation we lost touch. I miss her very much and have looked her up with no luck. Another person is Gacey Andino. We sat next to each other at work and became fast friends. We hung out all the time and a few times she came to my apartment where we sat on the floor and watched movies. We came close to having sex once. I just never took advantage of the situation. What did I know? I have no moves. I just got nervous and shy and turned red. What stopped it really was that she had a boyfriend. She claimed they were over but I could not do it. Mr Nice Guy.
After work we would walk downtown Hartford. She was fun and easy going. We would hit small restaurants and share one plate. We would have dessert and talk for hours. My favorite memory with her is standing underneath an awning during a vicious thunderstorm. She loved storms as much as I did and we stood there with our arms around each other. It was one of those moments that you want to bottle up. I also miss her very much but have had no luck tracking her down.
I love to write and before Email came along I had pen pals from different states. I still keep in touch with two of them in fact. One of my pen pals was Kellie. She lived in Ohio. We wrote about everything and nothing. This was between 1990-92. At that time I was dealing with so much. I had left all the hospitalizations behind by then, but was still unsure about my place in life. Kellie made me feel happy. Whenever I got a letter from her I quickly opened it and devoured each word. She talked about her family, about her feelings. I talked about trying to find myself and we hung on to each other. After a while I sensed that she was seeing me as more then just a friend because her letters started to smell like perfume. These letters went back and forth for two years until she told me she was pregnant and was running away. I tried to talk her out of it and then her letters stopped. I missed her but over time I ended up getting married and she sadly faded away from my thoughts.
I check out facebook in the morning to see what people are up to. A few days ago I had a message from Kellie. The minute I saw her name my head spun. She asked me a few questions that only I could answer and when she was satisfied she had the right person we exchanged email addresses. I was stunned. It has been 18 years since I last talked to her.The fact that she remembered me and tracked me down. I really almost started to cry. You wonder what kind of impact you have on people who go through your life. You want to think you had some, but you never really know. She let me know that those two years meant everything to her. That she at that moment in her life needed a friend to lean on and that I was not only there for her, but that I listened, I helped her, I cared for her. She held me in her memories through a marriage that ended in divorce, a marriage that ended in death. Kids. Medical Problems.
I have to admit that she had to remind me about our friendship. I knew her name and I knew I cared for her, but all the other stuff went with the years. She contacted me because she is dying. She needs a heart transplant and has been thinking about her life and who meant the most to her. I was one of those people. She reached out to me 18 years later to let me know that. She wanted to say thank you. She wanted to just know that I was still here. The fact that she is dying saddens me very much. She does not deserve that; She did not deserve the things she told me about what had happened to her in life. What really got me was that I meant something to her. I am crying as I write this because I question myself so much about where I am going. Divorced, no kids, No girlfriend. Things that I crave so much that seem to come so easily to others. I am shy and quite and sensitive and love writing, rainstorms, spider webs that peek out as the sun rises. I know nothing about cars, sports, anything a true man knows. I find myself always the friend with woman. Currently I am in that situation. A girl from work and I clicked right away and we go on 2:00 walks, we talk all the time, we find reasons to be with each other. I tell myself to stop what I am feeling, she has a boyfriend. But one look at her, one look from her, and I am right away all these feelings return.
I hate that about me at times that it leads me to do stupid reckless things. My being the friend once again and a broken heart from another led me to start taking pain pills to sleep. I took one a night, then two, three. It went up to four before I reached out for help from a friend and stopped myself. I vowed to stop feeling sorry for myself and fight for what I want. And then Kay called, and then Kellie wrote.
Sitting here now I tell myself I am a good person, A special person. I mean something to the people in my life, and I meant something to the people who went through it. I hope Kellie and I renew our friendship, as well as Kay. But if not, if they are just passing through, at least I was given closure with them. It also gives me hope that Julie and Gacey will perhaps pass through again. In the mean time I have joined a dating site, I am reaching out. I am taking chances. I will still struggle with who I am and where I am in life. I know that. I will deal with depression and self doubt. But knowing that Kellie held me in her memories for all this time, and even as she is dying her thoughts were with me. That right there is a gift.
I know people who seem to run into someone from their past all the time. I never do, or if i do I don't realize it. Joining facebook changed that. I was befriended by people I went to school with, people who I never thought even looked at me twice. One Of the people who befriended me is Deb. I knew her slightly in school but we were never friends. She wrote me that she had noticed me. She said that I was shy and quite. that everyone like me but I just never found the courage to find out. She is now someone who I turn to. She vanished from facebook for awhile. But we talked on the phone last night for over an hour and it was wonderful. Jane is another one from School. We shared a peer counseling class together and grew to have a friendship out of it. She signed my yearbook and when we met up on facebook she yelled at me because she had given me her phone number and I never called her. I just figured that she was being polite but never meant for me to actually call her.
Just recently my old friend Kay came back into my life. A woman who meant so much to me so long ago. I always wished for her to come back on my stage, but I was stunned when she did. Their are a few people who I wish would come back. One is Julie Dunnick. We went to Morse School together and she was very important to me. We would spend hours doing homework together, going shopping together. Once she walked into a glass door and we laughed so hard we ended up in each other's arms rolling on the ground. After graduation we lost touch. I miss her very much and have looked her up with no luck. Another person is Gacey Andino. We sat next to each other at work and became fast friends. We hung out all the time and a few times she came to my apartment where we sat on the floor and watched movies. We came close to having sex once. I just never took advantage of the situation. What did I know? I have no moves. I just got nervous and shy and turned red. What stopped it really was that she had a boyfriend. She claimed they were over but I could not do it. Mr Nice Guy.
After work we would walk downtown Hartford. She was fun and easy going. We would hit small restaurants and share one plate. We would have dessert and talk for hours. My favorite memory with her is standing underneath an awning during a vicious thunderstorm. She loved storms as much as I did and we stood there with our arms around each other. It was one of those moments that you want to bottle up. I also miss her very much but have had no luck tracking her down.
I love to write and before Email came along I had pen pals from different states. I still keep in touch with two of them in fact. One of my pen pals was Kellie. She lived in Ohio. We wrote about everything and nothing. This was between 1990-92. At that time I was dealing with so much. I had left all the hospitalizations behind by then, but was still unsure about my place in life. Kellie made me feel happy. Whenever I got a letter from her I quickly opened it and devoured each word. She talked about her family, about her feelings. I talked about trying to find myself and we hung on to each other. After a while I sensed that she was seeing me as more then just a friend because her letters started to smell like perfume. These letters went back and forth for two years until she told me she was pregnant and was running away. I tried to talk her out of it and then her letters stopped. I missed her but over time I ended up getting married and she sadly faded away from my thoughts.
I check out facebook in the morning to see what people are up to. A few days ago I had a message from Kellie. The minute I saw her name my head spun. She asked me a few questions that only I could answer and when she was satisfied she had the right person we exchanged email addresses. I was stunned. It has been 18 years since I last talked to her.The fact that she remembered me and tracked me down. I really almost started to cry. You wonder what kind of impact you have on people who go through your life. You want to think you had some, but you never really know. She let me know that those two years meant everything to her. That she at that moment in her life needed a friend to lean on and that I was not only there for her, but that I listened, I helped her, I cared for her. She held me in her memories through a marriage that ended in divorce, a marriage that ended in death. Kids. Medical Problems.
I have to admit that she had to remind me about our friendship. I knew her name and I knew I cared for her, but all the other stuff went with the years. She contacted me because she is dying. She needs a heart transplant and has been thinking about her life and who meant the most to her. I was one of those people. She reached out to me 18 years later to let me know that. She wanted to say thank you. She wanted to just know that I was still here. The fact that she is dying saddens me very much. She does not deserve that; She did not deserve the things she told me about what had happened to her in life. What really got me was that I meant something to her. I am crying as I write this because I question myself so much about where I am going. Divorced, no kids, No girlfriend. Things that I crave so much that seem to come so easily to others. I am shy and quite and sensitive and love writing, rainstorms, spider webs that peek out as the sun rises. I know nothing about cars, sports, anything a true man knows. I find myself always the friend with woman. Currently I am in that situation. A girl from work and I clicked right away and we go on 2:00 walks, we talk all the time, we find reasons to be with each other. I tell myself to stop what I am feeling, she has a boyfriend. But one look at her, one look from her, and I am right away all these feelings return.
I hate that about me at times that it leads me to do stupid reckless things. My being the friend once again and a broken heart from another led me to start taking pain pills to sleep. I took one a night, then two, three. It went up to four before I reached out for help from a friend and stopped myself. I vowed to stop feeling sorry for myself and fight for what I want. And then Kay called, and then Kellie wrote.
Sitting here now I tell myself I am a good person, A special person. I mean something to the people in my life, and I meant something to the people who went through it. I hope Kellie and I renew our friendship, as well as Kay. But if not, if they are just passing through, at least I was given closure with them. It also gives me hope that Julie and Gacey will perhaps pass through again. In the mean time I have joined a dating site, I am reaching out. I am taking chances. I will still struggle with who I am and where I am in life. I know that. I will deal with depression and self doubt. But knowing that Kellie held me in her memories for all this time, and even as she is dying her thoughts were with me. That right there is a gift.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
3 rings and a machine
I just recently learned that a person who was a very big part of my past has returned to the area, in fact she is living back at the house she grew up in and in which I spent a great deal of time at. When I heard her name mentioned and that she was back in the area my heart jumped. This person entered my life when I was at such a very low point. Kay taught me to like myself, that I was OK with who I was. She also taught me misery and pain because I thought I was in love with her but she had a boyfriend and did not share the same feelings. Of course what I was feeling was not love, it was just that here was this beautiful girl paying attention to me and I was nothing but an awkward troubled guy. She did not save me or stop me from feeling the future pain I was bound to feel, but the short time she was in my life she helped me find friendship and hope.
We would spend hours sitting in her bedroom listening to Simon & Garfunkel. talking about dreams and desires. We became the best of friends quickly but only came close to having sex once. She was fighting with her boyfriend and we were in her room, me listening just like all the other times. But this time she took off her shirt and stood up taking my hand to get off the carpet. I was stunned and very excited as she started to take off her shorts. Standing in front of me in just her bra and panties she said to me "Why not?" I could think of many reasons why not but here she was, this beautiful girl offering herself to me. But as my mind raced at this unforeseen situation the "nice guy" within me raged. I asked her what she was doing. "You do want me don't you?"Of course I did, my god. But I was a virgin and this was happening so fast and I was nervous and..oh yeah, she had a boyfriend. That dreaded word one hates to hear when one is given this wonderful person in their life. I wanted her so badly, but I was a nice guy. I told her to stop being so stupid and reckless. I told her to get dressed and call him. To myself of course I was screaming that I Loved her and that her boyfriend was a jerk and she deserved so much more. I yelled and screamed at myself for being so stupid. For being so nice.
They did eventually make up and what occurred was never spoken about. In fact I think this is the first time I have ever said it out loud. Our friendship continued and she dealt with me showing up at her job needing to talk to her at that moment because I was so upset at life. She dealt with me showing up at her house and just wanting to drive sometimes in silence. She dealt with me through many moods and jealousies.
Kay graduated from school and invited me to the ceremony. I told her I could not make it but just like in the movies I changed my mind and showed up just as she was getting her diploma. I hung back and watched her celebrate with her family and boyfriend. I never did let her know I was there. Where did I fit in with that group of people? I watched as she hugged everyone and pictures were taken and friends approached with news of parties that night. I left and whispered "Good for you". I drove to a secluded area near where I lived and cried my eyes out. Why was I such a fool? Why do I do this to myself? I really was my own worst enemy.
The next day she called and said she was sad that I could not make it. I never did tell her I was there. She invited me to her graduation party and I forced myself to tell her I would be there. She told me to get there early so I could help her set up. I arrived a few hours early and it was just the two of us laughing and putting things together. I felt OK with who I was. Friends of hers arrived and she introduced me as a special person in her life. I beamed and felt so important. But then her boyfriend arrived and I once again shut myself off and felt like an outsider. I felt weak and simmered with self-doubt. Her boyfriend seemed so perfect and she hung on to his every word. I felt as if I was banished to the corner, a floodlight on me and signs around telling everyone who bothered to notice me that i was worthless. During a volleyball game it was clear that I had no skills while her boyfriend impressed with his wonderfullness. I finally just had it and exploded. I told him what I thought of him, I told her what I thought of her and ran to the car. Looking back now I know it was a test to see if she would follow me or not. She didn't. Once again I was my own worst enemy but this time it was to have ramifications in my relationship with Kay.
She called me the next day and yelled at me, eventually hanging up. I hated that I struggled so much with self-doubt. I knew I needed to stop it or any relationships/friendships I had would be ruined. I was seeing a therapist and had been in the hospital. After this I ended up there a few more times. Kay visited me but it was not the same. I ended up moving to Hartford to get treatment and to distance myself from the demons that plagued me. Kay and I got together a few times and talked on the phone weekly but she was looking into college and was slowly leaving my life.
It was not until 5 years later that we connected again. A phone call, a night out. My love for her that felt so strong before was gone and in its place was respect and friendship. She was only in town a short while so we parted ways again. I eventually got married and went on with my life. I thought of her often mostly wondering how life had treated her. Finally I decided to track her down. I got in contact with one of her sisters who contacted her and she emailed me. It was wonderful hearing from her. She was proud that I had gotten through all I needed to and was married with a good job. She lived in Rhode Island and life was good. We wrote a few times but my wife started to get jealous not understanding my feelings for this woman and our contact stopped. Life went on and sadly a divorce followed and relearning a new life. This time though I was not my own worse enemy and struggled but survived.
"Oh Gary" my mom said "I saw that Kay is back living at the old house. her number is in the phone book" My heart jumped and I felt excited and nervous.I laughed, I smirked, and acted like I didn't care. The only thing that could have given me away was me saying "Wow" a few dozen times. By the end of the night I was writing her number on a scrap of paper and stuffing it into my pocket. As i drove home my mind raced with all that she had meant to me and wondered if I had meant anything to her. The worse thing would be to have all these wonderful memories and she not knowing who I was.Of course she would remember you I told myself over and over.
I did not sleep that night. I sat up and flashed back to every moment I had spent with her. Kay was back..Wow. OK..How do I do this? Show up at the house, knock and have her come running out jumping into my arms? OK..That will not happen. Best thing to do is call. let it be up to her if she wants to talk.
Arriving at work the next day my mind was in a whirl. Should I even do this? Should I just let her be this wonderful memory and leave it at that? What if the Kay I meet now is not the Kay I loved so long ago? I did not know what to do. I started to question myself again. Who am I to think that this woman would even care? I am just me. A shy, sensitive kind man. I am not what woman want. My god her boyfriend was a complete jerk but she hung on to his every word. Woman like the bad boy. the dark moody guy. I was taught that a long time ago through many broken hearts. Why would she even remember me?
OK, You have to stop this madness I told myself. My god you are that kid anymore. Will you just stop and take a breath? I walked the nervousness off and felt better. i asked a friend for advise. Just do it I was told. What do you have to lose? If she does not want to talk to you it is her loss. Stop thinking so much and just do it. I took my phone and went to the back of the room. I dialed the number. It is 10:30, she will be at work. You can just leave a message. leave it up to her. 3 rings and a machine. Her voice. It truly was her.
Hi Kay, This is Gary Burr. Not sure if you.. that is all I recall saying. I gave her my number and left it up to her, to fate, to the gods, to my guardian angel. I did my part and I felt relieved afterwards.
That night she did not call. I felt my heart break slightly. But oh well, I tried. The next day at work around 2:00 my phone rang..
"Hi Gary. Its Kay"
We would spend hours sitting in her bedroom listening to Simon & Garfunkel. talking about dreams and desires. We became the best of friends quickly but only came close to having sex once. She was fighting with her boyfriend and we were in her room, me listening just like all the other times. But this time she took off her shirt and stood up taking my hand to get off the carpet. I was stunned and very excited as she started to take off her shorts. Standing in front of me in just her bra and panties she said to me "Why not?" I could think of many reasons why not but here she was, this beautiful girl offering herself to me. But as my mind raced at this unforeseen situation the "nice guy" within me raged. I asked her what she was doing. "You do want me don't you?"Of course I did, my god. But I was a virgin and this was happening so fast and I was nervous and..oh yeah, she had a boyfriend. That dreaded word one hates to hear when one is given this wonderful person in their life. I wanted her so badly, but I was a nice guy. I told her to stop being so stupid and reckless. I told her to get dressed and call him. To myself of course I was screaming that I Loved her and that her boyfriend was a jerk and she deserved so much more. I yelled and screamed at myself for being so stupid. For being so nice.
They did eventually make up and what occurred was never spoken about. In fact I think this is the first time I have ever said it out loud. Our friendship continued and she dealt with me showing up at her job needing to talk to her at that moment because I was so upset at life. She dealt with me showing up at her house and just wanting to drive sometimes in silence. She dealt with me through many moods and jealousies.
Kay graduated from school and invited me to the ceremony. I told her I could not make it but just like in the movies I changed my mind and showed up just as she was getting her diploma. I hung back and watched her celebrate with her family and boyfriend. I never did let her know I was there. Where did I fit in with that group of people? I watched as she hugged everyone and pictures were taken and friends approached with news of parties that night. I left and whispered "Good for you". I drove to a secluded area near where I lived and cried my eyes out. Why was I such a fool? Why do I do this to myself? I really was my own worst enemy.
The next day she called and said she was sad that I could not make it. I never did tell her I was there. She invited me to her graduation party and I forced myself to tell her I would be there. She told me to get there early so I could help her set up. I arrived a few hours early and it was just the two of us laughing and putting things together. I felt OK with who I was. Friends of hers arrived and she introduced me as a special person in her life. I beamed and felt so important. But then her boyfriend arrived and I once again shut myself off and felt like an outsider. I felt weak and simmered with self-doubt. Her boyfriend seemed so perfect and she hung on to his every word. I felt as if I was banished to the corner, a floodlight on me and signs around telling everyone who bothered to notice me that i was worthless. During a volleyball game it was clear that I had no skills while her boyfriend impressed with his wonderfullness. I finally just had it and exploded. I told him what I thought of him, I told her what I thought of her and ran to the car. Looking back now I know it was a test to see if she would follow me or not. She didn't. Once again I was my own worst enemy but this time it was to have ramifications in my relationship with Kay.
She called me the next day and yelled at me, eventually hanging up. I hated that I struggled so much with self-doubt. I knew I needed to stop it or any relationships/friendships I had would be ruined. I was seeing a therapist and had been in the hospital. After this I ended up there a few more times. Kay visited me but it was not the same. I ended up moving to Hartford to get treatment and to distance myself from the demons that plagued me. Kay and I got together a few times and talked on the phone weekly but she was looking into college and was slowly leaving my life.
It was not until 5 years later that we connected again. A phone call, a night out. My love for her that felt so strong before was gone and in its place was respect and friendship. She was only in town a short while so we parted ways again. I eventually got married and went on with my life. I thought of her often mostly wondering how life had treated her. Finally I decided to track her down. I got in contact with one of her sisters who contacted her and she emailed me. It was wonderful hearing from her. She was proud that I had gotten through all I needed to and was married with a good job. She lived in Rhode Island and life was good. We wrote a few times but my wife started to get jealous not understanding my feelings for this woman and our contact stopped. Life went on and sadly a divorce followed and relearning a new life. This time though I was not my own worse enemy and struggled but survived.
"Oh Gary" my mom said "I saw that Kay is back living at the old house. her number is in the phone book" My heart jumped and I felt excited and nervous.I laughed, I smirked, and acted like I didn't care. The only thing that could have given me away was me saying "Wow" a few dozen times. By the end of the night I was writing her number on a scrap of paper and stuffing it into my pocket. As i drove home my mind raced with all that she had meant to me and wondered if I had meant anything to her. The worse thing would be to have all these wonderful memories and she not knowing who I was.Of course she would remember you I told myself over and over.
I did not sleep that night. I sat up and flashed back to every moment I had spent with her. Kay was back..Wow. OK..How do I do this? Show up at the house, knock and have her come running out jumping into my arms? OK..That will not happen. Best thing to do is call. let it be up to her if she wants to talk.
Arriving at work the next day my mind was in a whirl. Should I even do this? Should I just let her be this wonderful memory and leave it at that? What if the Kay I meet now is not the Kay I loved so long ago? I did not know what to do. I started to question myself again. Who am I to think that this woman would even care? I am just me. A shy, sensitive kind man. I am not what woman want. My god her boyfriend was a complete jerk but she hung on to his every word. Woman like the bad boy. the dark moody guy. I was taught that a long time ago through many broken hearts. Why would she even remember me?
OK, You have to stop this madness I told myself. My god you are that kid anymore. Will you just stop and take a breath? I walked the nervousness off and felt better. i asked a friend for advise. Just do it I was told. What do you have to lose? If she does not want to talk to you it is her loss. Stop thinking so much and just do it. I took my phone and went to the back of the room. I dialed the number. It is 10:30, she will be at work. You can just leave a message. leave it up to her. 3 rings and a machine. Her voice. It truly was her.
Hi Kay, This is Gary Burr. Not sure if you.. that is all I recall saying. I gave her my number and left it up to her, to fate, to the gods, to my guardian angel. I did my part and I felt relieved afterwards.
That night she did not call. I felt my heart break slightly. But oh well, I tried. The next day at work around 2:00 my phone rang..
"Hi Gary. Its Kay"
Thursday, September 16, 2010
My God. Her Eyes
It was what he had been waiting for. An invite from the woman who was slowly stealing his heart. He fought it everyday, telling himself that he was not good enough. She laughs and is more interested in what others have to say. He is not worth a chance. This was put in his brain from long ago. A relationship on which he loved so much and was hurt so badly, put out like a piece of garbage. Why was he fooling himself that this woman would have any interest? But she had asked. The invite was put out there. Of course he said yes, my God this woman made his head spin, this woman scared the hell out of him for all she was making him feel.
All that day afterwards he planned it all. What to wear, where to go. Where to steer the conversation. No more heavy talk like they have been having during their 2:00 walks. he wanted to get to know her. What made her who she is. It was going to be a wonderful night. When he saw her that morning once again his heart was in his throat and he shook whenever she came around him. My God this woman scared the hell out of him. To put himself out there again only to be let down. Again. To be told he wasn't good enough. Again. He fought himself on these feelings; She wouldn't have asked if she didn't mean it. Right? She was feeling all that he did. Right? All except his low self-esteem, his feelings of rejection.
The day progressed and he became more comfortable around her. That is how it always worked. He loved seeing her smile. It melted his heart. The sound of her laugh soothed him as songs of birds did as he watched the sunrise. She came over and said it was time for their walk. He tried to hide the smile, tried to hide the smirk he felt as all watched them stroll out. Inside he was thinking that all of these people saw him as someone worth her interest. What a great feeling to be one of those people.
He just stood in awe at this beautiful woman. as she talked he just watched her lips move and then his gaze went to her nose, and then to her eyes. My God. her Eyes. They walked and he noticed that she had not mentioned them going out that night. Here he was bursting with anticipation, and she had not mentioned this groundbreaking event. As they entered the building he asked her what her thoughts were on the dinner. He asked her if she wanted him to drive her there and then swing back and drop her off at her car. His heart was full of all the wonderful things she was about to say.
Oh. I'm sorry..I forgot about that. We'll have to do that sometime.
He fought to stay calm, Pretended that he understood. It was no big deal. She went back to her desk and he felt numb as he went back to his. he sat down and he heard her laughing with someone. he just sat there numb. Why did he bother he asked himself over and over. Why did you think she would even care. he started to shake and fought the tears as they filled his eyes. When was it going to be his turn he wondered. When will someone be as excited to spend time with him as he was with them. He hated who he was, hated the thoughts that invaded his mind. he calmed himself down and kept remembering the lyrics to a song:
Don't talk of love, But I've heard the words before; It's sleeping in my memory. I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died. If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock. I am an island.
All that day afterwards he planned it all. What to wear, where to go. Where to steer the conversation. No more heavy talk like they have been having during their 2:00 walks. he wanted to get to know her. What made her who she is. It was going to be a wonderful night. When he saw her that morning once again his heart was in his throat and he shook whenever she came around him. My God this woman scared the hell out of him. To put himself out there again only to be let down. Again. To be told he wasn't good enough. Again. He fought himself on these feelings; She wouldn't have asked if she didn't mean it. Right? She was feeling all that he did. Right? All except his low self-esteem, his feelings of rejection.
The day progressed and he became more comfortable around her. That is how it always worked. He loved seeing her smile. It melted his heart. The sound of her laugh soothed him as songs of birds did as he watched the sunrise. She came over and said it was time for their walk. He tried to hide the smile, tried to hide the smirk he felt as all watched them stroll out. Inside he was thinking that all of these people saw him as someone worth her interest. What a great feeling to be one of those people.
He just stood in awe at this beautiful woman. as she talked he just watched her lips move and then his gaze went to her nose, and then to her eyes. My God. her Eyes. They walked and he noticed that she had not mentioned them going out that night. Here he was bursting with anticipation, and she had not mentioned this groundbreaking event. As they entered the building he asked her what her thoughts were on the dinner. He asked her if she wanted him to drive her there and then swing back and drop her off at her car. His heart was full of all the wonderful things she was about to say.
Oh. I'm sorry..I forgot about that. We'll have to do that sometime.
He fought to stay calm, Pretended that he understood. It was no big deal. She went back to her desk and he felt numb as he went back to his. he sat down and he heard her laughing with someone. he just sat there numb. Why did he bother he asked himself over and over. Why did you think she would even care. he started to shake and fought the tears as they filled his eyes. When was it going to be his turn he wondered. When will someone be as excited to spend time with him as he was with them. He hated who he was, hated the thoughts that invaded his mind. he calmed himself down and kept remembering the lyrics to a song:
Don't talk of love, But I've heard the words before; It's sleeping in my memory. I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died. If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock. I am an island.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Sweet Reunion
I sat there watching the people waiting for someone to come off the plane. Their is something about people watching that thrills me. I guess it comes from the artistic side of me. I get good story lines. I make stories up up on who is waiting for who, and watch as their emotions go from nervous anticipation to outright joy as they appear from the ramp.
One gentleman caught my eye this one particular time. He was wearing a suit and was carrying a bouquet of flowers. He paced back and forth as he waited for the plane to get to the gate. His pacing is what drew my attention to him in the first place. After awhile it was just him that I watched.
Were the flowers for his mother, an aunt, sister? niece, cousin? He looked nervous so I started to believe they were for a girlfriend, or perhaps a woman who as of now did not know that this man was deeply in love with her. Had they met at a far away place during vacation and were meeting for the first time in years? Perhaps it was an old girlfriend who had left to take a job in another state and they kept the relationship going while she was gone and he was going to propose to her. Did he have the ring in one of his pockets?
I can see him buying that ring. Silently questioning himself if this was really what he wanted, what she wanted. Was he only doing this thinking she would say yes, quit her job and just give up her life for him? Perhaps that was what the pacing was all about. In his mind he was asking himself if he was making a mistake. He was fighting himself. Of course he loves her, but does he love her enough to let her go or does he love her in a way that will stifle her ambitions and dreams?
The people started to disembark from the plane and when they saw their loved ones hugged, or just grasped a shoulder, or in the case of a teenager just a quick nod. I watched the flower bearing man and couldn't wait to see whom he was meeting. I was hoping it wasn't as simple as his Mother or Aunt. I wanted it to be a long lost love or long distance love. He paced as he waited, the people walking by him. He started to look at the entrance to the tunnel with eager yet pleading eyes. My heart pounded harder for him, my eyes looking, trying to will someone to run into his arms.
They were all gone; the airline personnel were closing the gate. He was alone. No one came running into his arms, no sweet reunion. He now seemed embarrassed when he noticed that I was sitting there. He still paced, but slower, looking at his watch. I still was trying to will the gates to reopen and for the airline to annouce that they had found one last person slleping in her seat, or maybe in the bathroom. But it wasn't happening and as I realized that sober thought he did as well. He stopped pacing, and just stood there looking at the gate. The look of nervousness was replaced by sadness. I felt for him. Should I go over to him and say that it was going to be all right? Maybe she missed her flight; maybe he should try to call her. But I just sat there and watched as he walked over to a garbage can and threw the flowers in. He took one more look at the gate and slowly walked away. I whispered to him "Sorry"
One gentleman caught my eye this one particular time. He was wearing a suit and was carrying a bouquet of flowers. He paced back and forth as he waited for the plane to get to the gate. His pacing is what drew my attention to him in the first place. After awhile it was just him that I watched.
Were the flowers for his mother, an aunt, sister? niece, cousin? He looked nervous so I started to believe they were for a girlfriend, or perhaps a woman who as of now did not know that this man was deeply in love with her. Had they met at a far away place during vacation and were meeting for the first time in years? Perhaps it was an old girlfriend who had left to take a job in another state and they kept the relationship going while she was gone and he was going to propose to her. Did he have the ring in one of his pockets?
I can see him buying that ring. Silently questioning himself if this was really what he wanted, what she wanted. Was he only doing this thinking she would say yes, quit her job and just give up her life for him? Perhaps that was what the pacing was all about. In his mind he was asking himself if he was making a mistake. He was fighting himself. Of course he loves her, but does he love her enough to let her go or does he love her in a way that will stifle her ambitions and dreams?
The people started to disembark from the plane and when they saw their loved ones hugged, or just grasped a shoulder, or in the case of a teenager just a quick nod. I watched the flower bearing man and couldn't wait to see whom he was meeting. I was hoping it wasn't as simple as his Mother or Aunt. I wanted it to be a long lost love or long distance love. He paced as he waited, the people walking by him. He started to look at the entrance to the tunnel with eager yet pleading eyes. My heart pounded harder for him, my eyes looking, trying to will someone to run into his arms.
They were all gone; the airline personnel were closing the gate. He was alone. No one came running into his arms, no sweet reunion. He now seemed embarrassed when he noticed that I was sitting there. He still paced, but slower, looking at his watch. I still was trying to will the gates to reopen and for the airline to annouce that they had found one last person slleping in her seat, or maybe in the bathroom. But it wasn't happening and as I realized that sober thought he did as well. He stopped pacing, and just stood there looking at the gate. The look of nervousness was replaced by sadness. I felt for him. Should I go over to him and say that it was going to be all right? Maybe she missed her flight; maybe he should try to call her. But I just sat there and watched as he walked over to a garbage can and threw the flowers in. He took one more look at the gate and slowly walked away. I whispered to him "Sorry"
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Soul Mate Kit
"Great" I yelled out loud to no one as I opened up my mail slot. It had finally arrived. The box was not as big as I had expected, and I figured it would come from FedEx or UPS, but it was in with my bills and TV Guide.
The elevator seemed slower and the hallways longer as I walked to my apartment. As I turned the key, entered and greeted my pet rat Edward I put the box on the love seat (Which has not seen any in nearly 7 years) I made the decision to wait until I had eaten dinner to open it. I wanted it to be like a Christmas present. The waiting is the best part of opening them.
I put on my PJ's, fed Edward, turned on the TV to "Family Guy" and threw a Lean Cuisine into the microwave. I wait the few minutes it takes to heat up and carefully carry it to the TV tray. As always "Family Guy" is funny and even better they are showing back-to-back episodes. When 7:00 comes around I remember the box.
The advertisement for the soul mate kit was on late night TV on Saturday. A Man & Woman were pretending to be "Soul Mates" but I didn't really believe them. They talked to fast and were to good in front of the camera. I'm not sure if it was the loneliness that I feel everyday, the complete and total emptiness I feel as life goes by that led me to buy this, or perhaps it was just that I was tired and I fell for the couples (Actors) quick talk. hell, I didn't even remember what it was they were selling. I just heard soul mate and called.
Whatever it was that led this box to me, here it was. My thoughts were that I was going to open this box and not be lonely anymore, I was going to open it and be like my Brothers, Popular with Women. I was going to open this box and be one of those guys that I see hand in hand with some Woman and looking so damn happy that I hate them. This box was the answer to everything.
I put the box on my lap and slowly cut off the white straps that were around it. I lifted up one of the corners and slowly tore off the cover. The box itself was red, my guess it represented love. Kind of corny I thought. My eyes looked at the object inside, my heart jumped, my hands got clammy. The object is framed and hand stitched. Red letters on a white back ground. It says "Don't give up. Don't ever give up"
The elevator seemed slower and the hallways longer as I walked to my apartment. As I turned the key, entered and greeted my pet rat Edward I put the box on the love seat (Which has not seen any in nearly 7 years) I made the decision to wait until I had eaten dinner to open it. I wanted it to be like a Christmas present. The waiting is the best part of opening them.
I put on my PJ's, fed Edward, turned on the TV to "Family Guy" and threw a Lean Cuisine into the microwave. I wait the few minutes it takes to heat up and carefully carry it to the TV tray. As always "Family Guy" is funny and even better they are showing back-to-back episodes. When 7:00 comes around I remember the box.
The advertisement for the soul mate kit was on late night TV on Saturday. A Man & Woman were pretending to be "Soul Mates" but I didn't really believe them. They talked to fast and were to good in front of the camera. I'm not sure if it was the loneliness that I feel everyday, the complete and total emptiness I feel as life goes by that led me to buy this, or perhaps it was just that I was tired and I fell for the couples (Actors) quick talk. hell, I didn't even remember what it was they were selling. I just heard soul mate and called.
Whatever it was that led this box to me, here it was. My thoughts were that I was going to open this box and not be lonely anymore, I was going to open it and be like my Brothers, Popular with Women. I was going to open this box and be one of those guys that I see hand in hand with some Woman and looking so damn happy that I hate them. This box was the answer to everything.
I put the box on my lap and slowly cut off the white straps that were around it. I lifted up one of the corners and slowly tore off the cover. The box itself was red, my guess it represented love. Kind of corny I thought. My eyes looked at the object inside, my heart jumped, my hands got clammy. The object is framed and hand stitched. Red letters on a white back ground. It says "Don't give up. Don't ever give up"
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