Another Family Reunion is coming. Unlike what some members of my family think, I happen to look forward to them. Yes, we only see these people once a year. Yes, We all promise to keep in touch, but of course it never happens. These are just things people say to each other having the best intentions. You know that going into it, so therefore I don't understand the reluctance in going.
I have memories of the reunion being held at my Grandparent's house. I was very young but I do have scattered pictures of them in my mind. Gathered around a campfire, My Cousin singing. The most reunions were held at my Uncle Larry's and Aunt Fran's. they held them for many years until they passed it on to my Cousin Karen. It was never the same after that. Karen's place makes everyone to scattered around. Karen says she is not able to hold it this year so Uncle Larry is taking it back.
When I was younger these held a special place in my heart. As I have gotten older though it has become less so. Everyone is grown now and has families. The second cousins are now where we were 30 years ago. We are in the middle now. In 15 or 20 years we will be the oldest generation. That is a weird and sobering thought. I hold dear the people who have left us: My Grandparents, Great Uncle Art, Uncle Dave, Aunt Gloria & My Brother Jimmy.
I go because of one reason: This is family. These are the people who we were given, like them or not. We all have our quirks that others look down upon. We all have relatives that we get along better with then others. We all have our own lives and concerns. But for one day a year we all get together and catch up. This or that one is still drinking. That one over there is still on drugs and on and on it goes. But we are family and you walk in knowing what to expect.
My big disappointment and sadness is that for the sixth year in a row I will be going alone. No partner, No kids. I will be asked politely how things are, if I am seeing anyone. I will answer them and they will smile and move on. I really hate that part of it. I am becoming one of those that people talk about. "Gary is alone again. It's been a long time since his Ex left" I hate that. Once again I go as just me. No stories to tell, no kids to show off. Just me. I am so sick and tired of just me. I want to slam it into the wall and destroy it. For once I want to hear "So, who is this, and how did you meet?"
I look forward to seeing my Cousins, I look forward to seeing my Aunts and Uncles. My Cousin Bill is very sick so it will be nice to see him, I can't wait to hear about peoples travels and one Cousins music.
For all the reluctance some have on going this weekend, I know that someday these reunions will stop. I for one want to hang on to them for however long we have left.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
If you think really hard, maybe we can stop this rain
The 40th Anniversary of the Woodstock concert is coming next month, and I am very excited. I have loved the whole legend of Woodstock since I was a kid. I still tell my mom now that I was born way to late.
I discovered Woodstock at a neighbor's house. We all grew up mowing these peoples lawn. One day I ventured to a side house that they had. I saw some albums and went through them. On the cover of one of them I saw a picture of a large group of people. They were of all ages, long hair, men & women. They were dancing, laying, squatting, and having sex with the back drop of a huge stage. I asked about it and was told that it was a festival. A huge gathering in which people lost themselves in music and peace.
As I got older I would learn more about Woodstock. The bands that played there. Where it was held. The people who put it together. I watched the video of the concert and fell even more in love with it. Every now and then I would hear a song on the radio. Once when I was with my Brother Brian and our friend Richie the song "Fixing to die rag" from Country Joe came on and I just stood mesmerised.
Behind the legend of Woodstock of course is drugs and death. It was a mess with the rain and mud and poor resources. A 17 year old died there after being run over by a tractor. Rumors were a baby was born there also. But even with all the bad things I just love the whole feeling of togetherness. These people were there not only to see great music, And what great music it was. But they also were there because they were trying to run away from something. They were lonely, sad, depressed, hurt, near death, going off to war. I have read many books about people who went there and they all convey this one theme. To run to something. For a long weekend they were family.
The most interesting thing about Woodstock is that it was not put on to become the legend it eventually became. It was put on to usher out the 1960's and all the tragic events of that decade. It was also nothing more then a money making venture. But in the end the fences came down and they lost everything. Also if you look at it music wise it is interesting. Most of these acts were not big by any means. It was the first concert for CSNY. The Who had never played outside England. You look back on these people now and they are the innovators of rock and roll. Then they were just struggling musicians.
When Woodstock 1994 was put together I was in School and was so excited. I spent my money to get it on Pay per view and taped the entire concert on video. I then put this onto cassettes. When Woodstock 1999 was put together I did the same thing. I still have these videos and cassettes and listen to them as well as watch them at least 3 times a year. As with the Original Woodstock these concerts were a mess. Many people claimed that it was nothing but trying to make back the money they lost in 1969. This may be rightfully so, but who cares. People still needed a place to go.
Something about being with like minded people in a comforting environment just makes me want to run off and be part of it. I understand what it is like to question your life. I am 42 years old. I am divorced, have no kids, I work at a dead-end job. I hate myself so badly at times that I cry when I am alone but put on my smile and crack jokes to cover my heart when I am with people. I see people with kids and someone to love them and it tears me apart. What is wrong with me? Why is it that people who lie and cheat have it, but I go to bed alone and wake up alone every day? I crave for someone to look beyond my weaknesses and love me. Running away and trying to discover yourself and doing it in a communal environment. I get it.
I am romanticising Woodstock. I know. But in my heart the idea of people all gathered together for a weekend just listening to music, sleeping in tents, just forgetting for that short amount of time who you are and what you have waiting at home. Just forgetting all your pain and sadness and what you lack in life. That to me is poetry.
I discovered Woodstock at a neighbor's house. We all grew up mowing these peoples lawn. One day I ventured to a side house that they had. I saw some albums and went through them. On the cover of one of them I saw a picture of a large group of people. They were of all ages, long hair, men & women. They were dancing, laying, squatting, and having sex with the back drop of a huge stage. I asked about it and was told that it was a festival. A huge gathering in which people lost themselves in music and peace.
As I got older I would learn more about Woodstock. The bands that played there. Where it was held. The people who put it together. I watched the video of the concert and fell even more in love with it. Every now and then I would hear a song on the radio. Once when I was with my Brother Brian and our friend Richie the song "Fixing to die rag" from Country Joe came on and I just stood mesmerised.
Behind the legend of Woodstock of course is drugs and death. It was a mess with the rain and mud and poor resources. A 17 year old died there after being run over by a tractor. Rumors were a baby was born there also. But even with all the bad things I just love the whole feeling of togetherness. These people were there not only to see great music, And what great music it was. But they also were there because they were trying to run away from something. They were lonely, sad, depressed, hurt, near death, going off to war. I have read many books about people who went there and they all convey this one theme. To run to something. For a long weekend they were family.
The most interesting thing about Woodstock is that it was not put on to become the legend it eventually became. It was put on to usher out the 1960's and all the tragic events of that decade. It was also nothing more then a money making venture. But in the end the fences came down and they lost everything. Also if you look at it music wise it is interesting. Most of these acts were not big by any means. It was the first concert for CSNY. The Who had never played outside England. You look back on these people now and they are the innovators of rock and roll. Then they were just struggling musicians.
When Woodstock 1994 was put together I was in School and was so excited. I spent my money to get it on Pay per view and taped the entire concert on video. I then put this onto cassettes. When Woodstock 1999 was put together I did the same thing. I still have these videos and cassettes and listen to them as well as watch them at least 3 times a year. As with the Original Woodstock these concerts were a mess. Many people claimed that it was nothing but trying to make back the money they lost in 1969. This may be rightfully so, but who cares. People still needed a place to go.
Something about being with like minded people in a comforting environment just makes me want to run off and be part of it. I understand what it is like to question your life. I am 42 years old. I am divorced, have no kids, I work at a dead-end job. I hate myself so badly at times that I cry when I am alone but put on my smile and crack jokes to cover my heart when I am with people. I see people with kids and someone to love them and it tears me apart. What is wrong with me? Why is it that people who lie and cheat have it, but I go to bed alone and wake up alone every day? I crave for someone to look beyond my weaknesses and love me. Running away and trying to discover yourself and doing it in a communal environment. I get it.
I am romanticising Woodstock. I know. But in my heart the idea of people all gathered together for a weekend just listening to music, sleeping in tents, just forgetting for that short amount of time who you are and what you have waiting at home. Just forgetting all your pain and sadness and what you lack in life. That to me is poetry.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Vox Clamantis In Deserto
I wrote this back in May 1987. I saw this saying in the newspaper and fell in love with it. It means "The voice of one crying in the wilderness"
---------------
Alone among the trees and animals, sitting amongst some rocks, crying, I found my inner self.
I approached the figure, slowly. scared and confused.
I reached out and asked why it was crying. It turned to me, stared into my eyes and uttered "Don't you know"?
Confused, I sat next to it and a feeling of remorse came over me. I saw every moment of my life. The good and the bad. The good being outnumbered.
I came back and looked at my inner self. Slowly we became one and I alone was in the wilderness crying.
If you come across my secret place, listen.
Vox Clamantis In Deserto
---------------
Alone among the trees and animals, sitting amongst some rocks, crying, I found my inner self.
I approached the figure, slowly. scared and confused.
I reached out and asked why it was crying. It turned to me, stared into my eyes and uttered "Don't you know"?
Confused, I sat next to it and a feeling of remorse came over me. I saw every moment of my life. The good and the bad. The good being outnumbered.
I came back and looked at my inner self. Slowly we became one and I alone was in the wilderness crying.
If you come across my secret place, listen.
Vox Clamantis In Deserto
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