The Dance

The 1980s were not very good to me. I had yet another back surgery, A Brother died, I was full of self doubt and hatred. I was a kid trapped in an adult body. I wanted the childhood that I felt I missed out on. My best friends in the early to mid 80s were Brian, My younger brother who is almost 5 yrs younger then me, and Richie who is younger still. Our days were filled with music, games, walking in the woods, along the railroad tracks. Going to our neighborhood candy store, riding our motorcycles. Nothing that had anything to do with adulthood. I hid from it for as long as possible.
1987 came and it was very clear that I had some problems. I was starting to talk about death, suicide, Just not dealing with life. I went through some jobs, but one I quit and never told anyone. I pretended I went to work but actually walked home in all kinds of weather and for many miles. From Durham to my house in Middletown. My Mother caught me trying to sneak out of the House in which I hid out in all day. I would just walk a bit, come home and tell everyone I got a ride home. But I was caught and was sent to get help. I ended up on South 1 at MMH in Middletown. Stayed for 3 months, left. Went back in for a month, left. Back in for a month. This was not working. No matter what my parents did to help me I still wanted nothing to do with Adulthood. Finally in early 1988 my Parents were told about a facility in Hartford in which I would live in a dorm style with others who had problems and I would have support with therapists. They said OK and sent me off. Alone, on my own, away from family and the innocence that I had craved. I was so scared.
I wasn't on my own though. A few months after I got there in moved Lynn. She had been with me on two of my stays at South 1 and we were great friends. In fact she told me it was the fact that I was there that she showed up. We once again became the best of friends and even though she was facing her own demons and should never have been in one, as I should not have, we started a relationship. After we both moved out of this facility we ended up moving in with each other. We struggled with money woes, personal woes, family woes, but we held on. Eventually we were married despite all the concerns we heard from almost everyone. What did they know we said. We loved each other and were the missing piece we both had long searched for.
Sadly her demons led her into the Hospital often. For every 6 months that we were together, at least 3 of them were spent with her hospitalized.
I faithfully visited her. At times she was so out of it she had no idea who I was. Others she was so out of it she saw me as someone else and attacked me. I would like to say that my visits were just for her, but I gained something also. A place to be, A reason for each day. She was in and out of Hospitals as her demons seemed to win out. I on the other hand was facing down my demons. I was growing. I started school, made friends outside the world of Lynn's Illness. In time I saw that the more she ended up in the Hospital the more I started to realize that we were not going to work. I loved her so very much, but she had an actual Illness that she would face forever. I had no Illness. I just needed to talk about all the things I carried with me that made me not want to grow up. My surgeries, My Brothers death in which I blamed myself for.
In the process of my growing I met so many wonderful people. School was like I wished High School had been for me. I was popular, I was seen as a great guy, funny. I openly talked about Lynn with a few of the people I grew close to. They all listened and tried to help. One, Julie, I will never forget. We became bosom buddies. We helped each other study and with homework. We hung out all the time. Others in school started to talk about us as a couple. we laughed at that for awhile until one day Julie asked me why not. We got into a huge argument and for awhile did not speak to each other. My answer had been that I would never cheat, that is the worst thing one can do to another. To break that trust and commitment. Her answer was that I was not really married. Lynn was messed up and no matter how hard I tried she would never get better. I should save myself.
I did not gain a lover after this conversation,Julie and I became friends again after a while, but I did gain a new insight. She was right. Lynn would never get better. I loved this woman, I hated the thought of hurting her. I talked to Lynn about couples counseling. She did not see that we had any problems but agreed if that is what I wanted. I thought that if we did couples then I would learn how to live with her Illness, but all it did was confirm the feelings I was fighting. It had to end. The counselors said it was not good for either of us. Not healthy for me, and not productive for her.
I will never forget the day I told Lynn that I was leaving. My heart was breaking for this wonderful person. Once again someone she counted on was letting her down, was hurting her. I will never forgive myself for that. Ever. We tried to remain friends and it worked for awhile. She moved to the building next door and we saw each other weekly. I felt better because now when she ended up in the Hospital I was not under so much pressure as being her husband. I was there for her as much as I would allow myself to be.
In time I ended up meeting someone as an"Adult". I actually had them meet once because I in a way I needed Lynn approval. I wanted to let her know I would always be in her life. Lynn moved out of Hartford as I eventually did. We saw each other at Family get togethers every so often but Jen, by now my new wife, started to resent Lynn being there and on some occurrences I voiced my displeasure also. Looking back I really don't understand why. I guess in front of Jen I wanted no ties to my past, which she really knew little of besides Lynn. Inside though I was pleased. I wanted Lynn to have family.
After 8 years Jen cheated on me (Ironic) and our marriage ended. I still saw Lynn on occasion and we never discussed our past. She was a close family friend. She spent time with my parents at their place i Florida, she spent time with my Nieces and Nephews and Siblings. I was pleased. Even though Lynn and I never talked about our relationship I did get a letter in the mail from her. It was written with the help of her therapist. She opened up about everything. She did not blame me for leaving, which I needed to hear although it still haunted me. She said that she saw how hard I had worked to love her, to save her. All the times I had remained one of the only ones who stood up for her. She told me many hings I never knew, like the night in which I was sleeping and one of her voices told her to stab me, to kill me. She had fought the voices that night though and ended up in the Hospital the next day. I cried so hard. She loved me enough to push her voices aside for a night. She loved me enough not to fight me when I left her. She loved me enough to let me go.
After I had left Lynn and she moved out, I heard a song from Garth Brooks called "The Dance" I sat there and cried for how that song made me feel, how it still makes me feel. Lynn has moved out of our lives now. I wish her well everyday and i would never want what we had to be any other way. We were there for each other as she faced her demons and I struggled to grow up. Sadly I could not take her with me.