3 rings and a machine

I just recently learned that a person who was a very big part of my past has returned to the area, in fact she is living back at the house she grew up in and in which I spent a great deal of time at. When I heard her name mentioned and that she was back in the area my heart jumped. This person entered my life when I was at such a very low point. Kay taught me to like myself, that I was OK with who I was. She also taught me misery and pain because I thought I was in love with her but she had a boyfriend and did not share the same feelings. Of course what I was feeling was not love, it was just that here was this beautiful girl paying attention to me and I was nothing but an awkward troubled guy. She did not save me or stop me from feeling the future pain I was bound to feel, but the short time she was in my life she helped me find friendship and hope.



We would spend hours sitting in her bedroom listening to Simon & Garfunkel. talking about dreams and desires. We became the best of friends quickly but only came close to having sex once. She was fighting with her boyfriend and we were in her room, me listening just like all the other times. But this time she took off her shirt and stood up taking my hand to get off the carpet. I was stunned and very excited as she started to take off her shorts. Standing in front of me in just her bra and panties she said to me "Why not?" I could think of many reasons why not but here she was, this beautiful girl offering herself to me. But as my mind raced at this unforeseen situation the "nice guy" within me raged. I asked her what she was doing. "You do want me don't you?"Of course I did, my god. But I was a virgin and this was happening so fast and I was nervous and..oh yeah, she had a boyfriend. That dreaded word one hates to hear when one is given this wonderful person in their life. I wanted her so badly, but I was a nice guy. I told her to stop being so stupid and reckless. I told her to get dressed and call him. To myself of course I was screaming that I Loved her and that her boyfriend was a jerk and she deserved so much more. I yelled and screamed at myself for being so stupid. For being so nice.



They did eventually make up and what occurred was never spoken about. In fact I think this is the first time I have ever said it out loud. Our friendship continued and she dealt with me showing up at her job needing to talk to her at that moment because I was so upset at life. She dealt with me showing up at her house and just wanting to drive sometimes in silence. She dealt with me through many moods and jealousies.



Kay graduated from school and invited me to the ceremony. I told her I could not make it but just like in the movies I changed my mind and showed up just as she was getting her diploma. I hung back and watched her celebrate with her family and boyfriend. I never did let her know I was there. Where did I fit in with that group of people? I watched as she hugged everyone and pictures were taken and friends approached with news of parties that night. I left and whispered "Good for you". I drove to a secluded area near where I lived and cried my eyes out. Why was I such a fool? Why do I do this to myself? I really was my own worst enemy.



The next day she called and said she was sad that I could not make it. I never did tell her I was there. She invited me to her graduation party and I forced myself to tell her I would be there. She told me to get there early so I could help her set up. I arrived a few hours early and it was just the two of us laughing and putting things together. I felt OK with who I was. Friends of hers arrived and she introduced me as a special person in her life. I beamed and felt so important. But then her boyfriend arrived and I once again shut myself off and felt like an outsider. I felt weak and simmered with self-doubt. Her boyfriend seemed so perfect and she hung on to his every word. I felt as if I was banished to the corner, a floodlight on me and signs around telling everyone who bothered to notice me that i was worthless. During a volleyball game it was clear that I had no skills while her boyfriend impressed with his wonderfullness. I finally just had it and exploded. I told him what I thought of him, I told her what I thought of her and ran to the car. Looking back now I know it was a test to see if she would follow me or not. She didn't. Once again I was my own worst enemy but this time it was to have ramifications in my relationship with Kay.



She called me the next day and yelled at me, eventually hanging up. I hated that I struggled so much with self-doubt. I knew I needed to stop it or any relationships/friendships I had would be ruined. I was seeing a therapist and had been in the hospital. After this I ended up there a few more times. Kay visited me but it was not the same. I ended up moving to Hartford to get treatment and to distance myself from the demons that plagued me. Kay and I got together a few times and talked on the phone weekly but she was looking into college and was slowly leaving my life.



It was not until 5 years later that we connected again. A phone call, a night out. My love for her that felt so strong before was gone and in its place was respect and friendship. She was only in town a short while so we parted ways again. I eventually got married and went on with my life. I thought of her often mostly wondering how life had treated her. Finally I decided to track her down. I got in contact with one of her sisters who contacted her and she emailed me. It was wonderful hearing from her. She was proud that I had gotten through all I needed to and was married with a good job. She lived in Rhode Island and life was good. We wrote a few times but my wife started to get jealous not understanding my feelings for this woman and our contact stopped. Life went on and sadly a divorce followed and relearning a new life. This time though I was not my own worse enemy and struggled but survived.



"Oh Gary" my mom said "I saw that Kay is back living at the old house. her number is in the phone book" My heart jumped and I felt excited and nervous.I laughed, I smirked, and acted like I didn't care. The only thing that could have given me away was me saying "Wow" a few dozen times. By the end of the night I was writing her number on a scrap of paper and stuffing it into my pocket. As i drove home my mind raced with all that she had meant to me and wondered if I had meant anything to her. The worse thing would be to have all these wonderful memories and she not knowing who I was.Of course she would remember you I told myself over and over.

I did not sleep that night. I sat up and flashed back to every moment I had spent with her. Kay was back..Wow. OK..How do I do this? Show up at the house, knock and have her come running out jumping into my arms? OK..That will not happen. Best thing to do is call. let it be up to her if she wants to talk.



Arriving at work the next day my mind was in a whirl. Should I even do this? Should I just let her be this wonderful memory and leave it at that? What if the Kay I meet now is not the Kay I loved so long ago? I did not know what to do. I started to question myself again. Who am I to think that this woman would even care? I am just me. A shy, sensitive kind man. I am not what woman want. My god her boyfriend was a complete jerk but she hung on to his every word. Woman like the bad boy. the dark moody guy. I was taught that a long time ago through many broken hearts. Why would she even remember me?



OK, You have to stop this madness I told myself. My god you are that kid anymore. Will you just stop and take a breath? I walked the nervousness off and felt better. i asked a friend for advise. Just do it I was told. What do you have to lose? If she does not want to talk to you it is her loss. Stop thinking so much and just do it. I took my phone and went to the back of the room. I dialed the number. It is 10:30, she will be at work. You can just leave a message. leave it up to her. 3 rings and a machine. Her voice. It truly was her.



Hi Kay, This is Gary Burr. Not sure if you.. that is all I recall saying. I gave her my number and left it up to her, to fate, to the gods, to my guardian angel. I did my part and I felt relieved afterwards.



That night she did not call. I felt my heart break slightly. But oh well, I tried. The next day at work around 2:00 my phone rang..



"Hi Gary. Its Kay"