The Gift

We go along this crazy thing called life, meeting people and losing people along the way. Some of these people were friends or lovers or someone you wanted to be lovers with. Others were people that caused you stress and hurt you in some way. Be it a broken heart or causing you to question your self worth. All of these people were put in your life for a reason. I truly believe that the people you meet were meant to be. Our lives really are a stage in which we are merely players.

I know people who seem to run into someone from their past all the time. I never do, or if i do I don't realize it. Joining facebook changed that. I was befriended by people I went to school with, people who I never thought even looked at me twice. One Of the people who befriended me is Deb. I knew her slightly in school but we were never friends. She wrote me that she had noticed me. She said that I was shy and quite. that everyone like me but I just never found the courage to find out. She is now someone who I turn to. She vanished from facebook for awhile. But we talked on the phone last night for over an hour and it was wonderful. Jane is another one from School. We shared a peer counseling class together and grew to have a friendship out of it. She signed my yearbook and when we met up on facebook she yelled at me because she had given me her phone number and I never called her. I just figured that she was being polite but never meant for me to actually call her.

Just recently my old friend Kay came back into my life. A woman who meant so much to me so long ago. I always wished for her to come back on my stage, but I was stunned when she did. Their are a few people who I wish would come back. One is Julie Dunnick. We went to Morse School together and she was very important to me. We would spend hours doing homework together, going shopping together. Once she walked into a glass door and we laughed so hard we ended up in each other's arms rolling on the ground. After graduation we lost touch. I miss her very much and have looked her up with no luck. Another person is Gacey Andino. We sat next to each other at work and became fast friends. We hung out all the time and a few times she came to my apartment where we sat on the floor and watched movies. We came close to having sex once. I just never took advantage of the situation. What did I know? I have no moves. I just got nervous and shy and turned red. What stopped it really was that she had a boyfriend. She claimed they were over but I could not do it. Mr Nice Guy.

After work we would walk downtown Hartford. She was fun and easy going. We would hit small restaurants and share one plate. We would have dessert and talk for hours. My favorite memory with her is standing underneath an awning during a vicious thunderstorm. She loved storms as much as I did and we stood there with our arms around each other. It was one of those moments that you want to bottle up. I also miss her very much but have had no luck tracking her down.

I love to write and before Email came along I had pen pals from different states. I still keep in touch with two of them in fact. One of my pen pals was Kellie. She lived in Ohio. We wrote about everything and nothing. This was between 1990-92. At that time I was dealing with so much. I had left all the hospitalizations behind by then, but was still unsure about my place in life. Kellie made me feel happy. Whenever I got a letter from her I quickly opened it and devoured each word. She talked about her family, about her feelings. I talked about trying to find myself and we hung on to each other. After a while I sensed that she was seeing me as more then just a friend because her letters started to smell like perfume. These letters went back and forth for two years until she told me she was pregnant and was running away. I tried to talk her out of it and then her letters stopped. I missed her but over time I ended up getting married and she sadly faded away from my thoughts.

I check out facebook in the morning to see what people are up to. A few days ago I had a message from Kellie. The minute I saw her name my head spun. She asked me a few questions that only I could answer and when she was satisfied she had the right person we exchanged email addresses. I was stunned. It has been 18 years since I last talked to her.The fact that she remembered me and tracked me down. I really almost started to cry. You wonder what kind of impact you have on people who go through your life. You want to think you had some, but you never really know. She let me know that those two years meant everything to her. That she at that moment in her life needed a friend to lean on and that I was not only there for her, but that I listened, I helped her, I cared for her. She held me in her memories through a marriage that ended in divorce, a marriage that ended in death. Kids. Medical Problems.

I have to admit that she had to remind me about our friendship. I knew her name and I knew I cared for her, but all the other stuff went with the years. She contacted me because she is dying. She needs a heart transplant and has been thinking about her life and who meant the most to her. I was one of those people. She reached out to me 18 years later to let me know that. She wanted to say thank you. She wanted to just know that I was still here. The fact that she is dying saddens me very much. She does not deserve that; She did not deserve the things she told me about what had happened to her in life. What really got me was that I meant something to her. I am crying as I write this because I question myself so much about where I am going. Divorced, no kids, No girlfriend. Things that I crave so much that seem to come so easily to others. I am shy and quite and sensitive and love writing, rainstorms, spider webs that peek out as the sun rises. I know nothing about cars, sports, anything a true man knows. I find myself always the friend with woman. Currently I am in that situation. A girl from work and I clicked right away and we go on 2:00 walks, we talk all the time, we find reasons to be with each other. I tell myself to stop what I am feeling, she has a boyfriend. But one look at her, one look from her, and I am right away all these feelings return.

I hate that about me at times that it leads me to do stupid reckless things. My being the friend once again and a broken heart from another led me to start taking pain pills to sleep. I took one a night, then two, three. It went up to four before I reached out for help from a friend and stopped myself. I vowed to stop feeling sorry for myself and fight for what I want. And then Kay called, and then Kellie wrote.

Sitting here now I tell myself I am a good person, A special person. I mean something to the people in my life, and I meant something to the people who went through it. I hope Kellie and I renew our friendship, as well as Kay. But if not, if they are just passing through, at least I was given closure with them. It also gives me hope that Julie and Gacey will perhaps pass through again. In the mean time I have joined a dating site, I am reaching out. I am taking chances. I will still struggle with who I am and where I am in life. I know that. I will deal with depression and self doubt. But knowing that Kellie held me in her memories for all this time, and even as she is dying her thoughts were with me. That right there is a gift.